Speeches Several Thousand Wedding Jokes

Published on September 7th, 2009 | by Staggered

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Several Thousand Wedding Jokes

Getting married is a serious business, which is why we’ve compiled a list of wedding jokes so you can try and forget about the whole hideous business. Be warned, we’ve looked far and wide to collect every wedding and marriage chestnut known to man so most of these are as old as the hills but if you’re looking for something to pad out your speech or liven up a dull stag-do, you’ll find it in the following pages.

Staggered’s Top Ten Wedding Jokes

1) After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

2) Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

3) Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.

4) I haven’t spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months, I don’t like to interrupt her

5) As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

6) My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That.

7) The vicar noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. He told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the altar because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, altar hymn, aisle, altar, hymn…

8) What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

9) Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!

10) A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

More jokes

Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love”.
The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window … they’re choking my ducks!”

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” :
–          The Engagement Ring
–          The Wedding Ring
–          The Suffering
–          The Enduring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
–          In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
–          In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
–          In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It’s true that all men are born free and equal – but some of them get MARRIED!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…. and then it was too late!”

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Even more jokes

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend. The woman replied, “A multi-millionaire”.

Jokes…

“A young girl boards Flight BA3345 from Heathrow to New York and finds a seat in 1st class. As the Stewardesses check all the passengers, one Stewardess asks the young girl for her ticket. The young girl hand’s over her ticket, to which the Stewardess replied: “I’m sorry, but your are sat in the wrong seat” in a helpful manner.

“I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl. The Stewardess was surprised at the young girl’s answer, so she decided to call the Senior Steward. The Senior Steward decided that nobody was getting a free upgrade to 1st, so she also informed the young girl that she had sat in the wrong seat and was to sit in economy at the rear. “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl in a firmer tone.

The Senior Steward thought that this might be a job for the Co-pilot, so she asked the Co-pilot to try and resolve this matter. So the Co-pilot decided to have a go to see if he could move the young girl. “Excuse me Miss, but your sat in the wrong seat” said the Co-pilot. “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl. “I’m sorry Miss, but if you don’t move to your proper seat, I’ll have to ask you to leave the aircraft” replied the Co-pilot. “I’m young, blonde and beautiful, and I’m going to New York to be a Supermodel and marry a millionaire!” replied the young girl. Being new to this game, the Co-pilot decided to consult the Captain.

“Let me sort her out” said the Captain. The Captain then approached the young girl and whispered in her ear. As the Captain returned to the Flight-deck, the young girl got out of the seat and proceeded down the aircraft towards her proper seat. “Cor, what did you say to her?” asked the Co-pilot. To which the Captain replied:  “I told her 1st class wasn’t going to New York”.

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.

This married couple were travelling down the highway at a very rapid pace, when a patrolman put on the siren and pulled them over. The officer said to the husband “Can I see your license and registration”. The husband says ” Why? I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”, The patrolman replies “Sir I caught you on radar at 110 km an hour and the sped limit is 80 in this zone, I’ll have to give you a ticket.” Well the husband goes nuts saying that he wasn’t speeding and the patrolman should be out catching criminals instead harassing law abiding citizens that him and his wife. The patrolman is trying to reason with the husband when the wife leans over and looks at the patrolman and says “You’ll have to excuse my husband, he always gets like this when he has been drinking”

Why can’t women ski?
Because there isn’t a ski slope between the kitchen and the bed room

Why can’t women cross the road?
Who cares they shouldn’t be out of the damn kitchen!

I believe that sex between two people is a beautiful thing….between five it’s fantastic.

I haven’t spoken to my Mother-In-Law for eighteen months….I don’t like to interrupt her

What did the banana say to the dildo?
What the hell are you shaking for, she’s going to eat me?

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things. First the aisle, because that is what you’ll be walking down. Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive. Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service. While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words. . . Aisle, alter hymn.

Joking

Husband to wife: Why do you keep reading our marriage licence?
Wife to Husband: I’m looking for a loophole

Why do brides wear white? To blend in with everything else in the kitchen.

This couple were married for 67 years. The husband was asked; if in all those years had they ever thought of divorce. “Heavens no” he replied. Murder yes, but never divorce.

There were these two women who were friends and neighbours. One noticed that the other always seemed to have lots of new goodies; jewellery, furs, latest fashions, frequent hair salon trips & manicures, etc. She asked:” how do you get all that great stuff?”” I do it by charging my husband five dollars every time we have sex”, she said; “and you can do the same, it really adds up. But you must remain firm. Don’t let him talk you into accepting less, don’t let him coax you into doing it for no charge”. “Great”, she said, “that sounds easy, I”ll do it”. So, the next time her hubby wanted to have sex, she said: “from now on, you have to give me five dollars each time we have sex” She also told him why. “Oh, I see”, he said; “okay”. He then went to get the money, but realized that he had only $4.50. She refused to accept it: “If we have sex you must give me the full amount, five bucks”. He said: “Alright, so we can’t have sex; but can I touch you for the $4.50? “We’ll just make-out, okay?” “Okay” she said.  As her hubby kissed her, fondled her body, rubbed against her, etc. she got really hot and bothered.  Finally, she was so turned on, that she said to him: “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll lend you fifty cents until tomorrow”.

A man was speaking to God.
“God, why did you make women so beautiful?” he asked.
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
Then the man asked: “Well, God; why did you make them such good cooks?”
God said: “I did that to make you love them”.
The man then asked: “But God, why did you make women so stupid?”.
God said: “I did that to make them love you!”

My friend married a doctor. At a certain point he told her: “You need to do something to spice up our love-making”. Shortly thereafter, he came home and found her in bed with another man who is also an M.D. “Why?” asked her hubby. “You said I needed to do something to spice up our love-making; I just wanted to get a Second Opinion”, she told him.

Really funny:

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’ The other replied, ‘Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.’

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.’

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, ‘OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.’

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Two Scotsmen, brothers, Finlay and Jim Calder, were sitting in the pub discussing Jim’s big wedding day.

‘Aye, it’s going to be grand,’ said Jim. ‘I’ve got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Finlay smiled and nodded, approvingly.

‘Heavens, I’ve even got a kilt to be married in,’ continued Jim with a look of satisfaction.
‘A kilt… that’s guid. You’ll look smart in that,’ exclaimed Finlay, ‘and what’s the tartan?’

‘Och,’ uttered Jim, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.’

Other jokes

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time!

Men are like chocolate bars…. sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married – now he is going through Hell!!!

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? – Well, it’s the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving

Marriage – an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?” “Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.” “Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.” “Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye opener.

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defence!

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on wednesday nights, and so does she.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That…

We have a quiet home life. I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!

The wise never marry – And when they marry they become otherwise.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Words to live by – do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”

Drink ’till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding.

LOL

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn’t want to wake the children?

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

Every man/woman should marry – After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

Our marriage was a love match. plain and simple, she was plain and I was simple!

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?” I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'” Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing “wedding.” The wedding vows went like this: “You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.”

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Such fun

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?” “Sam,” the man moaned. “Where ya from, Sam?” With pain in his voice Sam replied “The balcony.”

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”
Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mum said, “He does.”

A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, “If you don’t promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife.” The poor man wrote back, “I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours.”

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband’s ranch. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband NEVER to touch it.

For fifty long years Uncle Jack left the box alone until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash.

He took the box to Aunt Edna and asked about the contents.

“My mother gave me that box the day we married,” she explained. “She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you.”

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she’d only been mad at him twice.

“What’s the $82,500 for?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s the money I made selling the rest of the doilies.”

A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: “I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

More jokes

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he’s getting sentimental because they’re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, ‘No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he’d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn’t marry you. Tomorrow I would’ve been a free man!’

At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”

Some people ask the secret of Mr and Mrs Anthony’s long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Since then, weddings have been held there, and times haven’t changed at all!

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable”.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it!

How is being at a singles bar different from being at the circus?
At the circus the clowns don’t talk!

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes

Just kidding

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE….. Men will screw anything

Why are blond jokes so short? So men can remember them

Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he already is.

Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ………. a woman.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men – strong, caring, loving – they’d be wrong but you could still use them.

Men are like animals-messy, insensitive and potentially violent-but they make great pets.

A man is almost about to die. As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.” His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.’ The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’ The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’

What did God say after creating man? I can do better.

What is a man’s idea of helping with housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women? Men are crabby all month long

Woman: “I got a set of golf clubs for my husband” Friend: “GREAT trade!”

Husband: I want to go somewhere on holiday this year I’ve never been before. Wife: Well, how about the kitchen?

Bigamy is having one husband too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.

Hahahaha

What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward? It ends up in his mouth.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!

When a woman makes a fool of a man, it’s usually an improvement.

How do you know if your man is dead? The sex is the same, but there’s less ironing

Q: How can you tell when a man is dead?
A: He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

I had to divorce my husband for religious reasons, I’m a catholic and living with him is hell.

What’s the Australian Male’s idea of foreplay? “Brace yourself, Sheila.”

Why are men like photocopiers? Beside reproduction, they’re not much good for anything else.

Him: “I have never had an affair. Can you say the same?” Her: “Yes, but not with such a straight face”

Why is Mr. Potato Head the perfect man? He’s tan, he’s cute, and if he looks at another woman, you can rearrange his face.

“A woman’s rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it…”

If the world were a logical place – men would ride side saddle!

An english professor wrote up on the board “woman without her man is nothing” and told his students to punctuate it.The males in the class wrote “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The Females wrote “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

Funny

What can you say about a man who came from humble beginnings and is now quickly rising to the very top of his profession based solely on intelligence, grit and the willpower to push on where others might fail? A man who is beginning to distinguish himself amongst his peers and where none can say a bad word against him? Well, that’s enough about the best man. I’m here to talk about _____.

I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned _____’s intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

_____’s very classy. When we had an evening of music and drink in his house recently, I asked whether he had any Rachmaninoff. Gary replied he didn’t have any vodka, only beer.

I tell the people that on a night of recent revelry I asked the groom what he wanted to get from his marrage. He said “Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.

And I want to be a model lover!” Being a naive chap I looked up “model” in the dictionary. It said “A small miniature replica of the real thing!”

To ____ and _______, may all their ups and downs be between the sheets.

Here’s to _____ a helluva pal, every girls guy and every guys gal.

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and says, “You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn’t agree with me!”

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things by saying boldly, “After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy.”

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, “Well, I hope you’ll love the third one just as if it’s your own.”

Only joking:

Frustration is the first time you discover you can’t do it the second time. Panic is the second time you discover you can’t do it the first time.

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, Dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.” So she drove the boat to shore.Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

If a man is in the forest, and there isn’t a woman around, is he still wrong?

John: “I’m a man of few words.” Bill: “I’m married, too.”

A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.

“This is the Klopman diamond,” she said. “It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.”

“What’s the curse?” the man asked.

“Mr. Klopman.”

Blue-haired old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next!” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. “Reverend,” she wailed, “John and I had a DREADFUL fight!”

“Calm down, my child,” said the minister, “it’s not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!”

“I know, I know!” said Joanna, “but what am I going to do with the BODY?”

Extra jokes

Jack was soon going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little
fireside chat.

Jack’s father said, “Jack, let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, ‘Here – try these on.'”
Jacks father continued, “So, she did and replied, ‘These are too big, I can’t wear these pants.’  So I replied to your mother, ‘Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.”‘
“Ever since that night we have never had any problems,” concluded Jack’s father.

“Hmmm,” Jack said in reply.  He thought his father’s suggestion might be a good thing to establish on that day of new beginnings. So on, his honeymoon Jack took off his pants and said to Jill, “Here, try these on.”
So she did and said, “These are too large, Jack.  They don’t fit me…”
Jack replied, “Exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  I don’t want you to ever forget that.”
Then Jill took off her pants and handed them to Jack, as she said, “Here, you try on mine!”
As she requested, he tried them.  “I can’t get into your pants,” Jack said with a question in his tone.
Jill replied, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your attitude, you never will.”

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

“Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!”

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About the Author

Staggered

Staggered is the world’s leading publisher for grooms, best men and fathers of the bride. Across websites, emails and magazines we help over 73,000 men every month.



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