Published on March 30th, 2010 | by Staggered0
Several Thousand Mother-In-Law Jokes
You know how annoying it is when you’re looking for one source of mother-in-law jokes but you have to go through all the bother of going to google, typing in “mother-in-law jokes” and then visiting like the first three or four sites to get what you need? Nightmare!
Well, no more. We’ve done all of the preparatory work (googling, copying) and can now present an incredible compendium of mother-in-law jokes all in one place – no googling required (unless you googled to get here).
Looking for the jokes we commissioned? Here’s the top five:
- We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, “I’ve decided I want to be cremated.” I said, “Alright, get your coat.” Dave Spikey
- We got a new car for the mother-in-law – that Government scrappage scheme is great! Marc Whiteley
- Getting my mother-in-law to accept a free foreign holiday was easy. The hard part was convincing her Dignitas was Swiss for spa. Sean Lindsay
- My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog. Gary Delaney
- STEVE: My Mother-in-law went to the Caribbean. FRED: Jamaica? STEVE: Well I hope so, it’s hurricane season and she’s a horrible person. Stephen Holford
How do they compare to some of the ones that have been around for ages? Let us know your thoughts…
I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly but she went to see that film the Elephant Man and the audience thought she was making a personal appearance.
An anagram of mother-in-law is woman Hitler.
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
What’s the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits until you’re dead before it eats your heart out.
Did you hear about the man who threw his mother-in-law into the lion’s den at the zoo?
He’s being sued by the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.
Two cannibals were sitting down eating lunch.
One says to the other: “You know, I just can’t stand my mother-in-law.”
The other replies: “Just put her to the side and eat the mash.”
What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law?
How many mothers-in-law does it take to ruin a marriage?
Last week my wife and I went to buy a car and the salesman asked if I wanted an airbag. I said: “No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law.”
Lawyer to his client: “Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?”
Son-in-law: “Take no chances ? order all three.”
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”
First man: “My mother-in-law is an angel.” Second man: “You’re a lucky fella, mine’s still alive.”
My mother-in-law is a big woman. She got run over last week. The driver said he had enough room to get around her but he didn’t have enough petrol.
I always know when it’s the mother-in-law knocking at the door because the mice start throwing themselves on the traps.
A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and a genie appears. The genie tells the man he may have two wishes ? but whatever he gets, his mother-in-law will get double. The man thinks for a while and says: “First I’d like a million Pounds. Then beat me half to death.
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
What’s the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said: “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I said: “Of course you can.” And shut the door in her face.
Definition of mixed emotions. Seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.
First man “I took my dog to the vet today because it bit my mother-in-law.”
Another asked: “Did you put it to sleep?”
The first replied: “No, I had its teeth sharpened.”
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, ‘You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150. ‘The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, ‘Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?’
The man replied, ‘a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.’
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. ‘This young man agreed to marry my daughter,’ said one.
‘No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,’ said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
‘Bring me my biggest sword,’ said Solomon, ‘and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ said the first lady.
But the other woman said, ‘Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman’s daughter marry him.’
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. ‘This man must marry the first lady’s daughter,’ he proclaimed.
‘But she was willing to hew him in two!’ exclaimed the king’s court.
‘Indeed,’ said wise King Solomon. ‘That shows she is the true mother-in-law.’
The wife’s Mother said, “When you’re dead, I’ll dance in your grave.” I said: “Good, I’m being buried at sea.”
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard’s Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, ‘Keep her moving sir, we’re stock-taking’
So you want to become my son-in-law?
Not exactly. I just want to marry your daughter.
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and told him “there is a burglar downstairs in the kitchen and he is eating the cake that my mother made for us.”
The husband said, “who shall I call, the police or an ambulance?”
Bill: I was sorry to hear that your mother-in-law died. What was the complaint?
George: We haven’t had any yet.
Did you hear the one about the cannibal who got married, and at the wedding reception, toasted his mother-in-law?
A young wife came home one day and found her mother standing in a bucket of water with her finger stuck in the light socket. The young husband was standing by the switch. ‘Hello, darling,’ said the mother, ‘George has had this marvellous idea for curing my rheumatism.’
You know, I don’t know what I’d do without my mother-in-law – but it’s nice dreaming about it.
She’s found a new cheap way of making yoghurt and sour cream – she just buys a bottle of milk and stares at it for a couple of minutes.
“Do you know, my mother-in-law has vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.”
“Have you given her description to the police?”
“No, they’d never believe me.”
I’m not saying the mother-in-law’s ugly, but she uses her bottom lip as a shower cap.
A constantly nagged and harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year Christmas came again and this year he didn’t buy her any presents.
His mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why she had been forgotten this time.
The angry son-in-law responded, ‘Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year.’
“My wife said: ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said: ‘Why?’ and she said: ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already’. Bob Monkhouse
“I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won’t let me plug it in.” Henry Youngman
I haven’t spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.” Ken Dodd
“A police recruit is asked during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?” He replies, “I’d call for backup.” Bernard Manning
“My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.” Les Dawson
“I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.” Henry Youngman
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” Les Dawson
If you can spot any of the jokes should be attributed to a particular comedian then please feel free to let us know and we’ll amend it. firstname.lastname@example.org